Current mood:	astrological
Entry tags:	horoscope

Horoscope #1
You know, I was reading horoscopes today and thinking of that Weird Al song and also thinking "Hey, I could write these!" So I think I'm going to start writing horoscopes. Every Friday I will do horoscopes for y'all. This may be my 'weekly fixture' cause everyone needs one of those, right? Right. Also, bosswolf, I have to tell you this story Barranca told us today because you will laugh.

And of course it's ALL TRUE and I didn't make it up off the top of my head at all.



Capricorn
Ah, Capricorn, this coming week is a week of new beginnings for you. You will find someone that will eventually become a permanent fixture in your life this week. But that means you'll have to go out. I'm getting an impression of an art gallery, maybe sometime near sundown, standing before a Van Gough. Or maybe it's just the sushi bar in the mini mall nearby. Whichever, the point I'm trying to make is that this week you must get your butt out of the house!!

Sagittarius
Sagittarius, I want you to work on your spelling this week. I notice it's starting to suck alot. Also, stop all those nervous tics you have because if you don't they're going to cause you trouble this week. There may even be a lawsuit.

Scorpio
Scorpio, that thing that you did is going to come back and taunt you like the schoolyard bully. You know what I'm talking about. This week is all about fashion for you, and a new hairstyle (there might be beads) and some golden boots will vastly improve your outlook on life, the universe, and everything, as it were. Just make sure if you DO decide to get that shiny cane with the silver knob on top, you practice proper cane safety. P.S. The tattoo artist you're considering can only really draw sailboats, so I'd definitely go uptown in search of new talent because no one wants a sailboat there, am I right?

Libra
Well,well,well. Those oatmeal cookies aren't doing you any favors this month, Libra. Lay off them and switch foods right away. A chemical recently added to Carl's Jr. onion rings will give you the added brainpower needed for computing your taxes, so perhaps you should go in that direction.I predict that there will be an amusing situation involving fire in your near future and that after the burn scars heal you won't be able to stop laughing about it. Make that one's going to be told among friends, it's not a story for the under 13 set.

Virgo
They know all about your plan, Virgo. Take care of them before they call the authorities. Then change your name to Juan Chavéz, buy (but don't wear) a fake mustache, and invest in llama farming in the South Pacific.

Leo
I guess that's the last time you do naked karaoke, eh, Leo? Make sure to buy lots and lots of lottery tickets this week. I'm getting the impression that this is your big chance. Talk to the convenience store clerk in pig Latin, though, because it's the magic language of the lottery. Also, your romantic destiny will somehow manifest in your next bowl of cornflakes. Beyond that, the stars are misty for you.

Cancer
You sick, sick, SICK human being. When someone else is pinned this week for the crime you committed last Tuesday, Cancer, do the decent thing and come forward. It will save you alot of etheral guilt and earn you an eternal devotee. Take a chance this week and do something different: ride your bike to work, dance in the rain, eat ice cream with your fingers. It will improve your overall wellbeing and will help you to stave off that ravening psychosis.

Gemini
You're going to have a wonderful week, Gemini! Your unfailing cheerfulness and positive attitude will steer you through the troubled waters of your current employment situation. Also, a close friend will unexpectedly reward you with a terrific and thoughtful gift sometime this week. To avoid looking like a cheapskate, you're going to have to get them something nice back. Since the stars don't say exactly when you'll get this gift, I'd start looking for something now. Might I suggest a fine pair of gold-plated underpants? Perhaps a box of coconut-free chocolates and a sensual massage? Don't be a ninny and get flowers. That's just dumb. No one wants to be dumb, or be the one that got the flowers from the dumb Gemini.

Taurus
A situation will come up this week in which you will have to play the peacemaker or judge, Taurus. Make sure you do a good job and if you show favoritism try not to let anyone know you're doing it. Also, I'd stop watching all those Spongebob cartoons, that stuff is dark and full of subliminal messages. You don't need to be any darker than you already are, you lord of the underworld. Your lucky number this week will be 23, your lucky fruit is the mango, and I'd advise you not to park in the white zone. It's for loading and unloading only, don'tcha know.

Aries
The answer to all your problems will come when you ask for a cup of sugar from your neighbor, Aries. Beyond that, it's time to perhaps tone down your advances toward that certain someone. They're getting a bit tired of being followed around everywhere and the nightvision goggles make them somewhat uneasy. Just go about it the old fashioned way and everything will be fine.

Pisces
Pisces, you're going to unexpectedly face a batch of ninjas on your next walk, so I'd carry a katana just in case. Cut the smoking down to two packs a day this week, and next week we'll work on quitting altogether. The local drinking fountain is NOT an ashtray OR a urinary receptacle. Please try and keep that in mind. You will utter the following phrase this week: "Twelve dead men don't go backwards unless they're on the express tram." Your lucky number is 457346378456.

Aquarius
Your power color this week is neon orange, Aquarius. Eat a few carrots and wear a lifejacket to ensure that you stay protected and comforted. Keep a stiff upper lip after a disappointment takes the wind out of your sails and possibly lands you in state prison. But that's good because those jumpsuits are bright orange! You were meant for something more than that job at the bank you went and messed up. Something that contributes to society rather than taking away from it. Like license plate making. When your bunkmate asks you to clip their toenails, I'd promptly ask to be transferred to solitary. Just as a precaution.

The stars have stopped whispering in my ear for this week. Until next, everyone!


That was exciting, I think. I'm going to make this part of my journal public so everyone can get their horoscopes. :B