Current mood:	astrological
Entry tags:	horoscope

Horoscope #2
Today is Friday, and you all know what that means...



This week the stars decree everyone has an animal that will make them lucky. Don't ask questions, the stars decree it! Wether that animal brings good or bad luck is still to be seen. Keep this animal in mind, it is your permanent lucky animal. Get a shirt, if you want.

Capricorn
This is the week you find out that that sexy 22 year old swimsuit model you've been jawing with in the Buffy chatroom is really an 80 year old ex-roller derby queen named Laverne who has a penchant for soap operas and making quilts out of dryer lint. You may want to practice your look of shocked horror now. On the plus side, you're due to break a record time filling up your gas tank at the pump this week.
Lucky animal: The garibaldi.


Sagittarius
Silence is golden; that is your saying for this week, Sagittarius. It'll save you some heartache to be sure. So for instance, when your man asks if those eye-gouging neon pants look good, just smile and nod. Smiiiile and nod. Or silently make a rude gesture, whichever works. Just don't talk. This vow of silence ought to start tomorrow and go on until at least Monday. Also, make sure you stock up on legal advice for when you sue the habit off the blind nun that spills the hot coffee on you in Starbucks on Wedensday.
Lucky animal: The Persian Jird.


Scorpio
Scorpio is going to have a bad week, I'm afraid. On Monday there will be snowstorms that prevent you from getting to that IRS audit. Then someone near and dear to you is going to embarrass you by leaking out a very personal and perhaps mortifying fact. I'd start hiding the incriminating evidence now, while there's still time. You will get a very painful sunburn on Tuesday that will cause you to scratch yourself at an inopportune moment. On Wedensday you'll be abducted by brain sucking aliens who will return you to earth after they determine you don't have a good brain to suck out. But they'll take your wallet. Also, the theme song to 'Gilligan's Island' the hypnotist permanently etched into your brain for security reasons will start drifting to the forefront in your conversations with people wearing tanktops. Try to stay on key if at all possible.
Lucky animal:The takin.


Libra
Your sign means balance, Libra, so my suggestion to you is to practice yours. That means four hours a day over the volcano filled with magma to improve that balance. It'll come in handy someday, probably something to do with inner wellbeing or some such. That works. Whatever gets you up there on that volcano, anyway. Make sure that bucket of stones you've got strapped to your head is good and heavy. It'll help you to remember your place. You're getting cocky, Librar, you'd better work on that too. Insult the integrity of several large muscular people and the bruises will remind you that you, too, are part of the circle of life.
Lucky animal: The African pixie frog.

Virgo
You will inadvertently find the meaning of life this week Virgo. Probably in a hopscotch game on the sidewalk. No one will believe you, however, so best just to take a picture that you can pull out and chuckle to yourself about during long train rides. Eat lots of fruit salad this week, it will help with that problem of yours. You and I both know the one.
Lucky animal: The Baird's tapir.


Leo
Leo, all I can say for you this week is that chewing on tinfoil should be done in moderation. You keep it up too long and it's going to mess up your tie to the earth's magnetic field and then you'll be doomed to flap in circles for all of eternity. Or at least until D-day. Just put some seasoning on the tinfoil (low calorie, Leo) and garnish it so you don't look too odd.
Lucky animal: Thecassowary.


Cancer
A misunderstanding with a friend will lead to petty thievery. Avoid getting too involved with the drama, but if that friend steals your toothpaste, all bets are off. On Sunday, you will be perplexed to find that you went on a drunken bender of which you have NO recollection, and in that drunken bender you got a filthy word shaved into your hair. If you keep your face at a permament scowl, though, the word will sort of resemble something else and you'll be safe.
Lucky animal: The naked mole rat.


Gemini
All that whispering you hear IS the lawn gnomes, Gemini. Either buy them a beach condo in Florida or get out while you still can. You'll end up leaving all your possessions to them in your will if you don't act quickly. A very puzzling question posed by someone you really don't like will keep you up into the wee hours of the morning. You'll come up with the answer next week, when the moment has passed. Oh, and make sure you roll a seven or eight next time you play anything with dice. It'll do you good.
Lucky animal: The aye-aye.


Taurus
My two questions for you this week Taurus are a: What are you smoking and b: Where can I get some? You will have an overflow of creative ideas this week, so buy a mop. Unfortunately, it may be a case of all dressed up and nowhere to go because they will have trouble leaving your brain. Try and take them one at a time. If that gets to be too hard, get a Q-tip, shove it into your ear, and demand the ideas to get in line and leave in an orderly fashion. A little hint that you probably won't take: The bus terminal is NOT the best place to do this. However, this display may lead to a rewarding and long-lived partnership with a recording studio.
Lucky animal: The army ant.

Aries
Drink chocolate milk and buy cantaloupes by the truckload. It will help with brainpower and also to reduce your badness level to just under 65%. Just because the cool kids are singeing their eyebrows off with lighters does not mean you should, Aries. In fact, stay away from anything that has the word light in it. Light is BAD. Do not go to the light, whatever you do!! Also, learn how to use Morse code or operate a ham radio this week, Aries. It will save your life next week when...well, we'll get there when we get there.
Lucky animal: The Chinese crocodile newt.

Pisces
Take some time out to meditate this week, Pisces. It'll help calm those relationship issues you've been having. Trying to decide which of the five suitors who are vying for your favor is very tough. How do you know which one is THE one? There's an easy question you ask to determine that answer! "Would you ever wrestle a crocodile for me?" is the question, posed sweetly and charmingly, and "Is this a trick question?" asked with caution is the answer you're looking for. If all five of them get it right, you're gonna have one heck of a Valentine's Day. Perhaps think of constructing a litter that they can haul you about in. Also, look into the mud pit for those wrestling matches in your honor. It's never too early to plan!
Lucky animal: The sloth bear.

Aquarius
Your best time of day to feel truly connected to the world is early morning, so I want to see you up with the sun on Sunday. A good way to feel refreshed and awake is to arise and greet the cold, fresh dawn. To truly feel at one with nature as she wakes for the day. Go outside, strip down, and then go streaking in a public place, like a park perhaps. It'll get that epinephrine flowing for sure.
Lucky animal: The Irrawaddy river dolphin.

The stars have spoken.



So there you have it. Until next week!