Current mood:	creative
Current music:	The Song of the Count :(
Entry tags:	horoscope

Horoscope #3
Welcome back to zee magical world of horoscopes. The stars do not lie, my friends, they tell only zee honest truth of zee matter. They're gonna be short this week, I'm sort of on a Vicodin cloud. :D





Capricorn
Ooh, Capricorn, I'm getting a sense that you're feeling a bit tense this week. A good long massage with a team of Sumo wrestlers ought to liquify you properly. Have a stainless steel bucket handy to catch the goo that was once your rock-hard aggravation.

Sagittarius
A wise man once said "Don't do today what you can put off until tomorrow." Sagittarius? Don't listen to him. He's an idiot. You need to get your crap done TODAY. Actually, you need to get it done yesterday. Otherwise you're going to find yourself on a sled headed to a missionary outpost in Siberia.

Scorpio
You need a good cry this week, Scorpio. So go rent the saddest movie you can find and have it out. Or maybe rent something that makes you laugh so hard you cry. Whatever the context, salt water needs to leave your tear ducts this week or your eyes will implode.

Libra
It is a good week for you Libra. You will get a raise this week! This will happen when your cat lands in the tallest tree in the neighborhood after a daring night of heroics and you have to go up in a cherrypicker to get him down. But think of it! A raise!

Virgo
Neon plaid disco pants, Virgo. You will thank me when you're handed the key to the city for wearing them. It will be a humorous circumstance involving an ice cream truck and an army of poodles. Trust me on this one, please.

Leo
The crop circles are coming back this week, Leo. So be ready for the aliens that come with them this time. The driver of the UFO will be irritated and may seem belligerent, but it's only because his wife made him ask for directions. Be sympathetic and give the best longitudional coordinates you can to the Bermuda Triangle.

Cancer
The only words I'm going to say to you this week Cancer are words that you and I understand very well but that perhaps should be best left shrouded in mystery to the rest of the public.

Barbie shoe diorama.

Gemini
Try very hard not to sneeze this week, Gemini. It will possibly cause the next big natural disaster if you do. And if you must sneeze, invest in a handkie so you don't spread germs after you've caused the blizzard/hurricane/monsoon or earthquake. It's just polite.


Taurus
That thing you thought would happen last week is going to happen this week. Then after it happens, you will be visited by three ghosts, one of which will be your third grade teacher, even if your third grade teacher is still alive and kickin'. That's just how ghosts roll. Keep the number of the nearest exorcist on hand in case you didn't get any gold stars.

Aries
Find a famous person who shares the same birthday as you. Research that person's life, history, and accomplishments. Then, either write a five hundred page paper about that person or try to recreate some of those accomplishments. Unless you have the same birthday as someone bad. Then just hope reincarnation isn't real.

Pisces
This is your week, Pisces. Your stars are high and your planets are aligned. So go out there and do your thing, okay? Fear no one! Brave the wilds! Just...don't brave too many wilds or you'll hurt yourself like last time. You still owe that farmer money, I think.

Aquarius
You will have exceptional luck picking locks this week. No more coat hanger jimmying for you, Aquarius! After an all-nighter in which you subsist on Wheat Thins and fruit punch, you will start to believe that you are Napoleon Bonaparte. When your attempt to take over the house next door fails, don't be too broken hearted. There is always next week!



The stars have spoken. Have a good week, everyone!