Capricorn You must be assertive this week, Capricorn. But don't be so assertive that you scare people. Just be assertive enough to get what you want without stepping on anyone's toes. Do you understand? Answer me assertively, please. Has the word assertive lost all meaning for you yet? Has it?
Sagittarius Sagittarius needs to be gentle this week. Fierceness is good for a top model, but you need to think kittens and butterflies, not tigers and centipedes. So be gentle. Talk in a gentle voice. Pet people soothingly when they upset you. In fact, you should just go around petting people on the head soothingly and telling them in a gentle voice "Kittens, seashells, sunshine." It will win you many friends.
Scorpio You're going to get lost somewhere this week, Scorpio. But DON'T PANIC! What you do is turn around in a circle slowly with your eyes closed and point in a direction. That will be the direction you take that will lead you home. Do not try this method if you're trying to find anywhere other than where you live, though, it's only good for finding home. Why not enjoy your directionally challenged state and have a churro?
Libra Libra, you must take up a hobby that will keep your mind occupied and your frustration levels at minimum. I highly suggest origami, for nothing is better at lowering your frustration level than folding a square of paper into intricate, precise little pieces that aren't the same unless shaped exactly right. You'll feel the annoyance melt right off of you!
Virgo It's Virgo's week for charity. Give to the less fortunate and feel very good about yourself. But that means giving something that someone actually needs. Don't give like, old cans of green beans or socks that have holes in them. No, you must give of yourself, your time and effort, your love and labor. Not....not your flu germs. Okay?
Leo Take advantage of an awkward silence to show off one of your spiffy card tricks, Leo. If you have no spiffy card tricks, you'd better learn one because I predict this week will be plauged with awkard silences for you. None that you create of course, but you will be involved in them. So bust out them aces!
Cancer You should spend some time meditating this week, Cancer. It will relax you and may even take you to a higher plane of existence than you currently inhabit. While on that plane of existence, make sure not to eat the airline food, because it's just as bad as the stuff they serve on regular planes, and almost as bad as this joke. Badum ching!
Gemini Gemini, you've got a big task ahead of you in the coming weeks and for it you will need to be well armed. I want you to be lean, mean, and squeaky clean! So don't hesitate, take five or six baths a day for the next three days before you face the task and come out smelling like a rose. Literally!
Taurus It is time for you to go to challenge yourself intellectually, Taurus. You'll thank me when you realize how much fun it is to play chess standing on your head or after you've read Crime and Punishment backwards. Bend the rules! And do it in a smart way!
Aries Aries, this is a fantastic week for you fiscally. Just don't blow your windfall on something silly. Spend it on the really important things like Scrubs on DVD or a nice new hat that you'll wear for three seconds and then put away to "keep it nice". Priorities, here Aries.
Pisces Scorpio seems to have passed their procrastination issues on to you, Pisces. Do not fear, they are not life and death for you. Just make sure you don't put off finding that lost city of Atlantis for too long, or someone else will beat you to it. Or you'll die of old age or...something. In fact, why not go looking for it soon? Like, tomorrow!
Aquarius You will have an experience in which you commune with nature this week, Aquarius. I just hope that doesn't mean you run smack into a tree while playing Marco Polo. But should that be the case, try to listen to the tree's wisdom before you sink into the depths of unconsciousness.
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collie_wing) wrote,
astrological
