Current mood:	astrological
Entry tags:	horoscope

Horoscope #7
Well, the travel dreams have already started. Stuh-range.

You know what I realized, you guys? realized I haven't asked you all a very important question in a very, very long time. I ought to fix that, oughtn't I?




Capricorn

Capricorn, you're going to have some difficulty with money this week when that stashed pile of cash under your mattress is eaten by ravenous woodchucks, so be ready. Start mapping out banks for a nice heist, maybe. As a Capricorn, you are very clever, so you could also go the subtle route and plan your own pyramid scheme. I'm getting strong positive images of you selling coctail weenies at discount prices and charging high interest rates. Go with it.

Sagittarius

Okay, Sagittarius, I know you and you know me so we can be honest with one another. It's time to give up the security blanket and stand on your own. Seriously, I think that security blanket has like, mange or something. Invest in a spirit-cleansing positive act of charity and give it to the Goodwill, because we all know a little mange is good for the children. It will make them much stronger. Also, you must take everything people say to you literally this week. Hopefully no one wants you to drop dead because you'll just have to oblige!!

Scorpio

Ah, what a time for you my beloved Scorpio! You've had a little trouble with self-confidence lately, but I am here to tell you that that is to be banished this week. Your veins run with luminous, glow-in-the-dark awesome! You are here for all-time! In fact, I think you just may be immortal, Scorpio. Jump off a cliff and feel the power of your immortality. Bask in it! Astound your friends! Have...an ambulance waiting at the bottom, though. Just in case.

Libra

Libra, this week will find you feeling very creative. I get a sense that you will wish to fingerpaint or perhaps use grafiti. Might I suggest fingerpainting murals in your local public restrooms? It could be a delightful opportunity for socialization, I think. Brush up on your knock-knock jokes for the occaision, because they will be heartily appreciated by the restroom regulars.

Virgo

When I close my eyes and visualize your week, Virgo, I get the overwhelming image of a small old lady with bright pink hair and a hook for a hand. I'm not sure exactly what this means but she's weilding a garden hose and has a black scowl on her face. Interpret at will, Virgo, it's up to you. Is this a literal thing? The secret meaning of life? You are very apt at discovering the meaning of life, remember, so perhaps this is another representation. Or perhaps it is the manifestation of your innermost turmoil, desires, and fears. Maybe it just means you've got freaky neighbors.

Leo

Leo, this is the week you will make a tremendous spiritual breakthrough. At a McDonald's over a McFlurry, you will suddenly and vividly recall your past life as a fire eater in a three ring circus. You will also recall your tragic end, when an elephant mistakenly took a nap on your face. Everything about your idiosyncracies in this life will come clear to you at this time, Leo, from your inexorable attraction to the flame to your fear of elephants to that odd urge to play cards with bearded ladies.

Cancer

Sometimes I wonder about you, Cancer. This week you mught possibly develop a strange attraction for marshmallows. Oh, not to eat, oh no. You'll just want to collect them and spend hours sticking them together in highly detailed landscapes. I'm sure if you keep at it long enough, you can build 19th century marshmallow London. I'm sure there is a greater purpose to this, and I am sure that historians across the globe will welcome this architectural marvel into the hallowed halls of learning.

Gemini

Gemini, you need to slow down and look at the scenery. When you do, you'll realize that all your underwear is draped across the trees and shrubs. You're not sure how it happened, but you'll chalk it up to leprachauns. I'd use this opportunity to do two things: appreciate the strange yet compellingly contrasted beauty of undergarments against a natural setting and also to assess wether or not you need new underwear. I'm leaning toward "yes" on the second one, simply because you have at least four holes big enough to stick your leg through in most pairs.

Taurus

Tauri are naturally the most stubborn creatures in the Zodiac. We must break you of this, Taurus. So I decree that you're going to spend this week standing outside. No, not just standing. You are going to stand outside this week for one hour every night on your head. Don't know how to stand on your head? Tough! You'll learn by instinct. And the bruises will humble you. You might think I'm a hardcase, Taurus, but it's for your own good. You've been far too big for your boots for far too long. To reward yourself for a job well done, you may have brownies.


Aries

You will do well in academic endeavors, Aries. More because of lucky guesses than actual effort, though, so you don't have to bother with that "study hard" business. Just try to make a bunny rabbit on your scantron sheet and b.s. your way through any short answer or essay questions you may have. Allude whatever you're talking about to what you saw on TV last night before bed, throw in some business about "the eternal struggle for meaning and acceptance", slap on some fancy adjectives and presto! A papers all the way!

Pisces

When you eat Mystery Nuggets this week, Pisces, you will gain the ability to communicate with the dead. You thought those nuggets were chicken, oh how naive! Use your new power wisely because most of the time the dead won't shut up. I know from personal experiences because I was dead on...I mean because never mind. I just know, okay? The comforting thought is that it could be you can talk to the dead or someone with an intercom is totally pulling your chain. Besides, the dead don't say anything useful, anyway.

Aquarius

Like the caterpillar changes into the butterfly, so must you change your outlook on life, Aquarius. Helping a chicken cross the road will give you a new perspective, and you may perchance see life as one large road to be crossed. Although, on the road of life there are no crosswalks, so we must all dart across the freeway and hope that we are not hit. Or you could be smart and hitchhike. Let the wind take you to the highest mountains and feel the power and change in all things. Do not give up the freeway because life is a highway. I so made that up, it was never a song. Make sure to look both ways before crossing the highway that life is. I hope I have made myself clear, Aquarius.



The stars have spoken!